Is there really someone out there for you? Does your soul mate really exist? I have only loved two men in my life and though the first one ended in divorce the second one is hell. I often think about how my life would have been if I had never agreed to have lunch with Kevin. I know when I first was in here writing he found my blogs. He picked me up and said how dare you. He looked at me as though those were the last breaths I would be taking. I was so scared I wet myself. He was driving so fast and in and out of traffic I wished then only a crash would save me. No such luck. I remember how he charmed me and I let my guard down and he was here to stay.
Friday night after he got out of jail.he was going through with drawls and I was up at 3 with him shaking and sweating. He woke with the shits and vomiting. I thought then he would stop. He love his needle more than anything. He wakes up and says time for my medicine. I look at him with disgust. I was telling a church member that I didn't know what it was to have an addiction and that people who have one just make excuses. I remember when I was younger I had an alcohol problem I drank to get drunk. The last time I was at my cousins home and we were playing card games. I drank two bottles of Alazie. By myself. My husband at the time picked me up and carried me to the car my kids watched me tumble down the stairs and into the car. I heard them crying " is mommy dying." I was so stupid. I never drank again. See I do not understand why others can not just quit. I don't see it as a addiction. Se said she is a recovering drug addict and it is a struggle every day. that the taste stays in your mouth and that years could pass and at times she will smell something taste something and she craves it. That the addiction is very strong and you have to be stronger.
She than said to be patient that what he does to me is not right, but his addiction is hard. She then told me you do have and addiction.I looked at her like ME? How dare you I thought. No I don't drink,smoke or do drugs. She said your drug is Kevin. You live for him. how many time did I see you look at your watch nervously because he wants you home right after church don't see past him. KEVIN wow she is right. I have to admit she was right. substances are not the only addictions out there. So I am still here struggling with mine. I can feel myself getting better. I have let go some things and I am working at it day by day.