My day started like any other day. I got up at 6:30 showered and walked to work. I got a call about 12:15 saying they arrested prince charming and I had to pick his son up at school. Well it is early release and that was at 11:30. I didn't know if he was at school, on the bus or wondering around looking for his dad. I had a class I had to cancel and a friend from work gave me a ride to his school to pick him up. I ended up getting a bond and now I am waiting for a call to go sweep him off his feet. I made a new year promise to myself well 2 promises 1. to keep a daily journal of my life and 2. if things didn't improve by January I was leaving him. Well I have keep a journal and I look back on it now and then to reflect and I have to cry at times. Not to feel sorry or pitty just that I have been through so much and yet I stay with a man who will never change because he don't love himself. So if he can not do this how do I expect him to love me? There have been times I just wanted to never wake up. The last 3 years have been the hardest years of my life. I look at this man and wonder how could I have let this person do this to me. Now he is over 6 feet and is 290 something and is a very big black man. He is bald and his features often scare people. I am 4'11" and weight 130. I am hispanic and more often get dirty looks for being with a black man. He scares everyone we meet till he charms them over. Some see past his venomous ways At one time I did love this man. I pushed to marry him only to please him. Now I get sick really sick when 5 o'clock comes around. I am losing my hair and I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. No need if it does not grow. I have hair it just short weird huh I know well it must grow if you have hair yes I know that i just don't know. Well like I said before I am no longer a victim I am what I am. I plan on moving to Colorado and have applied online to several places.(Pray for me!) He knows I am moving and he is not very happy about it. I know "how are you leaving? He won't let you." My aunt is coming and I have open communication with her about that. It frightens him to know I will no longer be here with him. He has called other women and been out all night and I don't fight with him about it and if we do i give up and he hates it. He says I am a bitch because I won't fuck him and he has to get it else where when he has a bitch at home. I know I am not a bitch and MY legs will continue to stay closed I am scared at times I just don't let him know. My dreams are my escape. I pretty much work and come home sleep and start over. with Gods will I will on day be free. I may just be repeating my self and I am sorry just log off. Who ever wants to listen Thank You.
I hope all will work out for you and the sooner the better. Moving to another state is scarey, but safer. You will find a whole new life will open up for you! You will have a peacefullness like you have not expierenced in a long time! (I have been in your shoes (similar) Thankyou for stopping by and I will be back to read what you write next time. Wishing you a peaceful weekend. ~Annie~
by Dreamer (PM , CC ) on Friday October 12, 2007 @ 9:47 PM
hi Micki, sounds like you've had your share of some hard times, but I hope you find some solace soon, and a few blog friends on your journey won't hurt either. It's nice to meet you.
by Bella (PM , CC ) on Friday October 12, 2007 @ 11:19 PM
Micki, You need to get away from this man, if you fear him perhaps you need to get a restraining order. This is not love or even friendship, It is not the color on the outside that matters it is what fills their hearts and his seems to be self loathing and hatred. You need to leave soon and quit being there for him, let him go.
Hi I am sorry that you have endured so much, but when you leave I think you will see that as hard and scary that any new situation that you may face, it will be better than your here and now, and if in your heart you know that you are working to improve yourself, you will start to feel better. Good luck and Take care of yourself. I'm one of those people that believes if there is a way in then there is a way out. Keep journaling...it will help too.
I got a call about 12:15 saying they arrested prince charming and I had to pick his son up at school. Well it is early release and that was at 11:30. 
I didn't know if he was at school, on the bus or wondering around looking for his dad. I had a class I had to cancel and a friend from work gave me a ride to his school to pick him up. I ended up getting a bond and now I am waiting for a call to go sweep him off his feet. 
I made a new year promise to myself well 2 promises 1. to keep a daily journal of my life and 2. if things didn't improve by January I was leaving him. Well I have keep a journal and I look back on it now and then to reflect and I have to cry at times. Not to feel sorry or pitty just that I have been through so much and yet I stay with a man who will never change because he don't love himself. So if he can not do this how do I expect him to love me? There have been times I just wanted to never wake up. 
The last 3 years have been the hardest years of my life. I look at this man and wonder how could I have let this person do this to me. Now he is over 6 feet and is 290 something and is a very big black man. He is bald and his features often scare people. I am 4'11" and weight 130. I am hispanic and more often get dirty looks for being with a black man. He scares everyone we meet till he charms them over. Some see past his venomous ways 
At one time I did love this man. I pushed to marry him only to please him. Now I get sick really sick when 5 o'clock comes around. I am losing my hair and I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. No need if it does not grow. I have hair it just short weird huh 
I know well it must grow if you have hair yes I know that i just don't know. Well like I said before I am no longer a victim I am what I am. I plan on moving to Colorado and have applied online to several places.(Pray for me!) He knows I am moving and he is not very happy about it. I know "how are you leaving? He won't let you." My aunt is coming and I have open communication with her about that. It frightens him to know I will no longer be here with him. He has called other women and been out all night and I don't fight with him about it and if we do i give up and he hates it. He says I am a bitch because I won't fuck him and he has to get it else where when he has a bitch at home. 
I know I am not a bitch and MY legs will continue to stay closed 
I am scared at times I just don't let him know. My dreams are my escape. I pretty much work and come home sleep and start over. 
with Gods will I will on day be free. I may just be repeating my self and I am sorry just log off. Who ever wants to listen Thank You. 
You need to get away from this man, if you fear him perhaps you need to get a restraining order. This is not love or even friendship, It is not the color on the outside that matters it is what fills their hearts and his seems to be self loathing and hatred. You need to leave soon and quit being there for him, let him go.
I am sorry that you have endured so much, but when you leave I think you will see that as hard and scary that any new situation that you may face, it will be better than your here and now, and if in your heart you know that you are working to improve yourself, you will start to feel better.
Good luck and Take care of yourself. I'm one of those people that believes if there is a way in then there is a way out. Keep journaling...it will help too.