I am hanging in there. What makes men think women are theirs? My husband told me last night I belong to him. Can you believe that? I was like "HELL NO!" he said if I give anyone else what I give him he'd hurt me. WOW! I talked to mu kids last night they are having fun with their dad. I miss them so much. I had to cook prince charming dinner after coming home so tired. I wish one time I could just do something simple. NO he want a 3 course meal. AHHHHHHHH. Well it could be worse I guess. I feel like I am drowning and I keep reaching for the edge and my hand slips I do what ever just to keep my head above the water so I won't drown. I watched DEAL or NO DEAL last night and the Latino awards. Jimmy Smits is so HOT!1 I want to marry him in my next life!
My weekend sucked. We fought all weekend. I have trouble sleeping at night and when I do if I am awoke it is hard to get back to sleep. So when prince charming wakes me up and I tell him to leave me alone he messes with me till he get tired of me telling him PLEASE STOP. Then I can't get back to sleep. Well I woke to tell him something and he just rolled over well I woke to tell him again and how just went off. "You fuckin woke me twice, what the fuck do you want? Leave me alone or I am going to fucking punch you in the head." I just layed there.I cried my self to sleep. I wish I would have never woke this morning. I have lost so much being with this man and yet I want to be next to him. How sick is that? I made breakfast, lunch and dinner all weekend and he still has the nerve to tell me I don;t do shit for him. My ex husband called to ask me if I wanted the kids to come visit and he started in, "what he want you back?" I just want to scream. He left to the store and I packed all my belonging in a bag (the rest are in storage.) I have just my clothes and personal hygenie things. I sat there, Where do I go? No car, money, noone to call,where do I go? and then I felt so alone more then I ever felt in my whole life.My mother died when I was five and my grandmother raised me till she died when I was 13. The only thing I did right was my kids. How I long to hold them and give them a big hug.My exhusband and I just grew out of love. We married very young. I was 16 and had my son. He is a great father and even though we don't talk much when I went to the shelter he said one thing that I have been thinking about. " You are a good person and you would never let me do anything like that to you, you deserve better." Why do I feel like I don't? My step father had his way with my and my sister for years and my family did nothing. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs all I ever wanted was a family. I never had that.I could use that as an excuse to do all that drugs and sex. I didn't.Even after my divorce it was hard. Even though we grew apart he was my life and I messed that up to.It seams I am not destin for happiness, that I am never to be happy. I spoke to my oldest son last night and all I wanted to do was ball my head off. He is 16 and It was hard not to cry over the phone. He is my angel in every sence. We have been through alot. when I had him my ex husband wasn't ready to be a father and everyone wanted me to have an abortion. I refused and he went off to college. I was homeless and we crashed he and there for a year. I walked every where with that kid. he was my buddy. We made it through. His dad came back and wanted to be a family so he transfor to a college in town. He was going to be a doctor. I worked 3 jobs to help him and we live din his parents basement. That worked for a while till I got on housing and we had our own place. I remember I never made a big deal about my birthday because I knew we didn't have money. He always found a way. I would wake up to find a gift on the pillow next to me with a card. I miss that.We weren't rich and had little but, even at x-mas I was never forgotten. I would feel so bad because I would try to get him something anything and I never could because I payed all the bills and he never complained he said my love was always good enough. My son is like that. Even though my current husband never hit me in front of the kids. My son knew something was wrong. He would always tell me why don't you smile anymore? you look sad mom. I love you. He never left my side. Even now when I sent them to their fathers he cried and didn't want to leave. That broke my heart so. I know he wants to come home its just I don't know where home is?
My crazy husband has the nerve to accuse me of cheating on him. Just because I went to lunch alone. Get for real. I am so sick of this shit. He feels that since I don't want to please him I am out pleasing someone else because women are nothing but whores and only good for a fuck.I need to open my eyes This man has done so much to my head I can;t even see straight. We will be out and if he sees an attractive women he says WOW. Then gets mad at me when I don't want to respond to even his touch. If I look at a man I want to suck him or f**k him. I think I will end up in the hospital again at this rate. Why do I give him so much power over me. I am not a dumb women well let me think yea I am I let him control every move. He write my gas milage, picks out what I wear, how I do my hair and what perfume I wear.He controls who I talk to I never visit my family and yet when he doughts ME I change again so YES I am a dumb person I want to keep him happy so much I am numb. If I challenge him I am wrong and he thinks he can tell me what ever excuse and it will be brushed under the rug. Man can things get even worse?
Well I am doing this temp job for a steel company and get off at five and the first thing that comes out of my husbands mouth is what you making for dinner? No how was your day, HI hun, love,what ever. I was so mad. Then my four year old step son starts in. When his father isn't lookin he likes to stick his tounge out at me or give me the bird and when I tell him to cool it he always cries" I didn't do anything." Man that kid is going to drive me crazy I feel my husband has no regards for my feeling what so ever. He is in college trying to get his degree in business. I have had to deal with (group) studies which ended up being him and another female.She would call and leave message " hey I just left the mall call me back." or " I just stepped out of the shower and missed your call." That was one tutor. Then the second one was bolder, now I get hang up and people calling all hours of the night and he is hidding his cell phone now. He says I am crazy and I should trust him. I told him It is kind of hard given his past and he says thats all it is past. That he loves me and would never do anything like that to hurt me again.That he never touched these women and I could ask them and they would say no. Would they really tell ME the truth? I am so confused and I feel like just screaming. Dinner wasn't to his standards. When we got in bed for the night after arguing from dinner on. He wanted me to have sex with him and went into frenzy. That hispanic women are tought never to say NO! to their man. I wanted to hit him so bad. He said a few choice words that i was this and that and how i was better served no my hands and knees then any where else. Some times I wish he would start hitting be again then have such cruel words. At least the beatings heal. His words hurt worse. Am I destin to have a happy life? I don't know where to pick up from here. Well I will see what a waits today.
Well I left off with my sisters death. With no where to go and having to leave the shelter I went home. We started therapy. Wow what an experience. I finished school and got fired all in the same month. That sent me for a whirl wind and landed me in the hospital for depression. My kids are great and I hate myself for sending them through MY hell. Will I scar them for life? I don't know what spell my husband has over me that I don't have the balls to just walk away. I am so confused. My daughter is 13 going on thirty and mothers (well at least me) don't know anything. I was never a teenager she says. My life is so complicated.
Can you believe that? I was like "HELL NO!" he said if I give anyone else what I give him he'd hurt me. WOW! I talked to mu kids last night they are having fun with their dad. I miss them so much. 
I had to cook prince charming dinner after coming home so tired. I wish one time I could just do something simple. NO he want a 3 course meal. AHHHHHHHH. Well it could be worse I guess. I feel like I am drowning and I keep reaching for the edge and my hand slips I do what ever just to keep my head above the water so I won't drown. I watched DEAL or NO DEAL last night and the Latino awards. Jimmy Smits is so HOT!1 
I want to marry him in my next life!
Then I can't get back to sleep. Well I woke to tell him something and he just rolled over well I woke to tell him again and how just went off. "You fuckin woke me twice, what the fuck do you want? Leave me alone or I am going to fucking punch you in the head." I just layed there.I cried my self to sleep. I wish I would have never woke this morning. I have lost so much being with this man and yet I want to be next to him. How sick is that? I made breakfast, lunch and dinner all weekend and he still has the nerve to tell me I don;t do shit for him. My ex husband called to ask me if I wanted the kids to come visit and he started in, "what he want you back?" I just want to scream. He left to the store and I packed all my belonging in a bag (the rest are in storage.) I have just my clothes and personal hygenie things. I sat there, Where do I go? No car, money, noone to call,where do I go? and then I felt so alone more then I ever felt in my whole life.My mother died when I was five and my grandmother raised me till she died when I was 13. The only thing I did right was my kids. How I long to hold them and give them a big hug.My exhusband and I just grew out of love. We married very young. I was 16 and had my son. He is a great father and even though we don't talk much when I went to the shelter he said one thing that I have been thinking about. " You are a good person and you would never let me do anything like that to you, you deserve better." Why do I feel like I don't? My step father had his way with my and my sister for years and my family did nothing. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs all I ever wanted was a family. I never had that.I could use that as an excuse to do all that drugs and sex. I didn't.Even after my divorce it was hard. Even though we grew apart he was my life and I messed that up to.It seams I am not destin for happiness, that I am never to be happy. I spoke to my oldest son last night and all I wanted to do was ball my head off. He is 16 and It was hard not to cry over the phone. He is my angel in every sence. We have been through alot. when I had him my ex husband wasn't ready to be a father and everyone wanted me to have an abortion. I refused and he went off to college. I was homeless and we crashed he and there for a year. I walked every where with that kid. he was my buddy. We made it through. His dad came back and wanted to be a family so he transfor to a college in town. He was going to be a doctor. I worked 3 jobs to help him and we live din his parents basement. That worked for a while till I got on housing and we had our own place. I remember I never made a big deal about my birthday because I knew we didn't have money. He always found a way. I would wake up to find a gift on the pillow next to me with a card. I miss that.We weren't rich and had little but, even at x-mas I was never forgotten. I would feel so bad because I would try to get him something anything and I never could because I payed all the bills and he never complained he said my love was always good enough. My son is like that. Even though my current husband never hit me in front of the kids. My son knew something was wrong. He would always tell me why don't you smile anymore? you look sad mom. I love you. He never left my side. Even now when I sent them to their fathers he cried and didn't want to leave. That broke my heart so. I know he wants to come home its just I don't know where home is? 
Just because I went to lunch alone. Get for real. I am so sick of this shit. He feels that since I don't want to please him I am out pleasing someone else because women are nothing but whores and only good for a fuck.I need to open my eyes 
This man has done so much to my head I can;t even see straight. We will be out and if he sees an attractive women he says WOW. Then gets mad at me when I don't want to respond to even his touch. If I look at a man I want to suck him or f**k him. I think I will end up in the hospital again at this rate. Why do I give him so much power over me. I am not a dumb women well let me think yea I am I let him control every move. He write my gas milage, picks out what I wear, how I do my hair and what perfume I wear.He controls who I talk to I never visit my family and yet when he doughts ME I change again so YES I am a dumb person 
I want to keep him happy so much I am numb. If I challenge him I am wrong and he thinks he can tell me what ever excuse and it will be brushed under the rug. 
Man can things get even worse?
I feel my husband has no regards for my feeling what so ever. He is in college trying to get his degree in business. I have had to deal with (group) studies which ended up being him and another female.She would call and leave message " hey I just left the mall call me back." or " I just stepped out of the shower and missed your call." That was one tutor. Then the second one was bolder, now I get hang up and people calling all hours of the night and he is hidding his cell phone now. He says I am crazy and I should trust him. 
I told him It is kind of hard given his past and he says thats all it is past. That he loves me and would never do anything like that to hurt me again.That he never touched these women and I could ask them and they would say no. Would they really tell ME the truth? 
I am so confused and I feel like just screaming. Dinner wasn't to his standards. When we got in bed for the night after arguing from dinner on. He wanted me to have sex with him and went into frenzy. That hispanic women are tought never to say NO! to their man. 
