I have left and I am so sad and unhappy. I want my husabnd back. I know I have done things in this relationship that he has forgiven me for. I can't eat,sleep, or even think straight. I have never realized how much I love him as I do now. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done. I can't picture my life without you. i wish I could change everything that has happened I can't. All I can do is pray things will get better.

I was just thinking. I remember when I was first married that I would watch lifetime and see all those movies on abusive women.I would say to my self. Wow why don't they leave? I don't see why they would stay and be STUPID. I would NEVER let anyone to that to me. Maybe I got what I asked for. I just don't know how I found somethin gthat wa so simple as the hardest thing to do. I have left only to return. Misery loves company. Even with the fucked up childhood I grew up in I never wanted to put my self there. I wanted to prove to all my family member that time after time eched in my head that I nevr would amount to anything and be a single mother on welfare and have multiple babies from different fathers and that I was stupid and should be glad that I was aloud to sleep in their home when I had no where to go. I would remember being in the backroom listening to them (my aunts and uncles) with their kids laughing and playing and I had no one. Why was I born? What is my purpose? The only thing I ever wanted was love. Why is that so hard? I graduated from high school detremined to prove them wrong. Yea I just had my second baby, I had delivered in March and walked for my diploma in May. I went to beauty school and finished that and went back to school for my nursing assistant license. I did that and I have just recently graduated from school for medical billing and coding. I am now in rolled in a two year program for my nursing degree. It still isn't good enough. Why do I feel I have so much to prove? I have worked all my life at 13 I would work in the fields planting and picking onions and potatoes. I have told my kids. "Nothing in life is free. What you work hard for no one can ever take that away. It is yours." My son is 16 and has his plans for medical school. My daughter is 13 and wants to do fashion. My 11 year old wants to be a vet. I have raised three wonderful kids and They are what I am most proud of. So why is it that I can not get away from this man?

I knew it was too good to be true. He called me 5 times yesterday to tell me he loved me and just see what i was doing. He asked me to get a recipe from the internet so HE could make me dinner.He came and had lunch with me and was holding my hand. ( I wanted this, but it felt wrong it wasn't right.) When he picked me up I said nothing getting in the car. "what you get in and say nothing." Ok I knew it was coming and that his mood had changed. We drive and he says "did anyone call you today?" like who? "just someone strange asking for you?" (ok so again some girl telling me she is with my huband again.)No why? "I was just asking. Remember when we were at the other apartment and that one black guy came to the door and said you fucked him." I said yea (this one friend of his supposeably came to the door and said I had fucked him on our couch. when I had asked him to let me talk to the guy he wouldn't because it was high school games and he don't get down like that.I If somone came to my door and said my husband fucked her on MY couch I would talk to both of them wouldn't you?) He said His new freind came over to the house for stupid shit and it didn't make sense and wanted to use our phone and he was afraid he got my work number and called me. We get home and he starts in about me working with the feds trying to set him up and why don't I be honest and tell him and he will forgive me and we can move on. I was like what the hell are you talking about. He leaves and I pack my things. He gets home and I tell him I don't want to fight I just want to know If I can leave."yea" I ask him your not going to hit me like before? "NO" I get up and get my things. He comes near me. "I need the baby's S.S. card." Ok I give it to him.Then he starts in "your a compolsive liar why can't you ever tell the truth?" I tell him ok I know I'm sorry. "I need a copy of the storage key." I asked him why because he don't have anything in there. He makes a fist and come toward me. "What the fuck you mean I dont have anything in there?" I told him the only thing in there is what my kids have left of their belongings. " You want to fucking lie and say I don't got shit in there?" He is im my face mad as hell. Ok you do (he has one box of clothes in there he has NEVER wore.) "Well you can't leave till I get it we will go in the morning to get it and you can go your fucking way." "I never want you to call me or speack my name I never want to see your face again I hate you." (I know I will never make it to the door even if I leave with what I have on. Or should I let him just kill me? He will have to pay for it. I have cut off all ties with my family and no one knows I am with him.He could kill me and no one would ever know. My kids are safe and they don't even know where I am at.)Ok i won't bother you ever I promise. Then he asks where are the pictures at we took a few weeks ago. I asked him why if he never wanted to see my face and didn't want to have anything to do with me? He says just cause. He goes on and on about me telling him who am I working with. "Why don't you tell me what reward you get for sticking it out with me." I tell him there is not any amount of money that would have keep me away from my kids. That know one has offered me anything. I told him I thought the prize was being his wife and the it was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life and that anything he tries to do will never come out right till he does right by me and only bad will come to him. That really sent him crazy.( I guess he was right about one thing. I don't know when to shut my miuth.) I don't have to explain what happened next.
I am lying on the bed. He is lying on the floor with his son telling him next time I will get someone who is going to do as she is told and be obedient. "Why don't you tell me the truth since your leaving any way." He gets in bed with me and starts touching me. "I am never going to let you go. You belong to me." I dont belong to you. "Micki if I see you on the streets I will get you and you will please me I don't care who your with or who I am with you will always belong to ME." He tells me that no matter where I am at he will find me and if he wants I will please him. "No your never going to leave me I like what I have too much and I don't want any man to ever have it." What am I doing? Does he really love me? Why? I am nothing special and I would never treat him bad beacuse I wouldn't want it to come back on me. Bad karma. What do I do? why do I feel I need this man to love me?

I was up till 3 this morning fighting a battle unable to win. My husband agreed that we needed a "break" from each other so I egarly agreed. I told him I will pack now and in the morning that will be that last of us and I will never bother you again. He agreed to me leaving in the am not to packing so now. So after more fighting he said I could pack in the morning and he wouldn't give me any problems.So I tried to go to bed thinking ok who do I call where do I go blah, blah, blah.
The alarm goes off and I jump out of bed even though I am soo tired. I get up start packing and then WHAM! "Will you stop." I told him you agreed and I am keeping my end. I continue to pack and again "Will you stop, come here." NO I want to finish so I can get to work and be done with this. He gets up and yanks the bag from me hands and tells me to cool my shit I ain't going anywhere. I told him why do you play so many games with my emotions. He said for me to just put the shit abck and get ready for work. So I am back in the hell hole. When he picked me up from work yeasterday he was on the phone. We went to the store for food he didn't want me near him while on the phone so when he was done he keep telling me "where you going?" "where you at?" "why are you acting like that, why the attitude?." So we getr home he leave to talk to a "friend" and comes back and wants money. Said he talked to the manager and she woul dget us a bigger apartment if he brought her $150 I said ok I will go with you. HE was like why? I told him I didn't trust him and he went on that I was treating him like a kid and I was being unfair to him and I had no right to treat him like a 2 year old. So he went back to talk to her. Comes back says ok we need a money order to show he we got the money. We go get the money order and I ask him why is she in the office its late. he said she was at the pool and that he just had to show her the money order. So we go by the there. He parks all the way by the office and walks to the pool. I told him why don't you park by the pool if thats where you said you had to take it? He says she told him she would be in the office with the pappers for the bigger apartment. Office was closed. I got back the money order we went home. HE gets on phone cooks dinner. Serves me I refuse and he says I will be right back and leaves. This is 9pm. I put his son to sleep.(fighting with him also) He comes back and gets naked in bed sniffiling. I watch the news and turn the T.V. off. He says "you gonna take care of PAPI?" I look at him are you FUCKING for real. you treat me like shit all day you don;t talk to me in the car because your on the phone I have to walk 20 steps behind you in the store, you come home and your on the phone. you leave start the bullshit about the apartment and leave again then you come home and you want me to suck your dick? FUCK YOU! Man was I mad then he says. "You don't know when to shut the fuck up that's what you need so dick in your mother so you know what to do with your mouth." I told him all you want is a whore. He said I was ridding him all day about cheating and doing drugs and that I stress him out. He said I should give him everything I promised him and give it to him with no problems regaurdless. I asked what about what you promised me when do I get that. After much more arguing i said "Fine you want your dick sucked fine I will be your whore but I want nothing more from you ever." I told him I didn't want him to touch me and when I pushed his hand away or stopped he got mad. He sat up and said I want all of you. I told him no because He just proved to me at this moment what he really thinks of me. "SHIT" he got up set and was trying to kiss my neck. I told him i wasn't giving in and he got mad. "Then what do I need you for if you don't want to please daddy?" First your not my dad and I was giving you what you wanted. I told him he mad me sick and each day it makes me hate him more. He washurt and I feel for his game. After we made love Well (sex) He said can I have some money. I ws what is it with money and you today he said, "I want to get these pills from this guy that makes it harder, makes you horny and you last longer." I told him no and that he had Viagra adn that it made him sick and he said it was something different. He left again and this time when he came back he was crazy. Who you have in the house, you have someone watching me, blah, blah, blah. So thats how whe got to the point of me almost leaving. Man I don't know how much more I can take. I just wish at times he would just beat my head in and let me go. I asked him WHY do you want me around if you think I am trying to set you up or have people watching you? His answer. "your my stability." STABILITY! be fucking for real. I don't know why he has me here. I know he don't love me. How could you do the things he does to someone you say you love so much? Love is powerful.

Last night we ate India food it was good alittle rich for me. His son is satan. I know I should'nt say that, but it is true. Every time his father steps out of sight he fights with me. It is hard to remember I am the adult and he is a freakin kid. When they picked me up he was in the back NO seat belt he knows I hate that so what he do? " HUM I din't have my belt on la la la." He said it again. I told him to put on his belt and he grabed it and put it on forcfully and said, "There you happy?" I ignored him. We went to the gas station his says, "Daddy you think they have maybe something to drink in there." (his way of wanting things)His dad went in and came out with two sodas he handed me both. I gave my husband his soda he took a drink and gave it to his son. He was bouncing around drinking while my husband put gas in. He aske dfor the soda back and he put on his sad face. He told him he had to share and that he alredy drank half and that we were going to dinner. At dinner the waiter brought us water and took our order. Son done with water already. I told him no more till dinner so he could eat. Man if looks could kill, me 6 feet under. our food came out first so then again sad face. wanted my food not his. dad told him no he had his dinner to eat.wanted MY food. gave him some. was fine eating his dinner. Dad goes to bathroom kid starts LOUD" 1,2,3,4,." I tell him to stop and eat. Ask him do you understand? nothing. Do you hear me? " I can't talk with me mouth full." Just a few minutes ago he was talking loud with food in his mouth. AHHHHHHHH! Then I told husband I need to go to store there are things I need to get for work.At the store grabing things i tell him to leave things alone."HUM daddy you think they might have like you know toys or something here?" IT"S THE FUCKING STORE!
We get home and we watch alittle tv. I tell him to go to bed ignores me. Dad tells him to go to bed ok daddy. Then his dad starts in on me "Oh you shouldn't ride him so hard." When MY son would talk back to him I would send him to his room NO T.V., NO games nothing. If I send him to the corner oh you ride him too much ease up. If I get near my husband "HUM daddy I love you." "HUM daddy you think maybe I can do numbers?" He dosen't see what his son is doing. My kids and I have lost so much because of this man and his son has never lost anything EVER. I have give his son at times more then MY own. I have MY kids 100's of miles away from me and he wants me to be a mother to his son when I can't be one to my own. His son does this every day. He sits back there like Who me? I would'nt to that. He has even colored me face out in pictures. I asked him." What have I ever done to you? I give you clothes, care for you when you are sick, buy you toys, take you swimming,go out to eat. Why are you so mean to me?" "because" Always "because." His mother has never been part of his life and I am the only person who he has ever had. My kids love him like one of there own. Even when they have went with out they never said anything. My 11 year old was sad when I took turns going to school parties but we worked threw that. Now whith my kids gone I feel so sad Like I put on this face for others and really in side I am crying.I walk around like a dazed mummy. I watch how my husband is with him and he worries about his son and I feel like he coul dcare less about mine. I allowed him to take from mine. So now I don't want to cook, clean, wash and be around his son he thinks I am crazy. I could drive for an hour to go get my husband and his son won't say a word. nothing,sneeze,cough NOTHING. The minute his dad gets in and we start talking "HUM daddy" At night he will say "I love You." a millon times to his dad. I never get that unless we are at the store or he want's something. Even when he gets hurt and I care for him he will go hug DADDY and say I love you. Am I being unfair? I try in my relationship and now with this I just want to jump over a bridge or sleep forever. Can this really work we have been at this for 2years. HELP!!!