My day started like any other day. I got up at 6:30 showered and walked to work. I got a call about 12:15 saying they arrested prince charming and I had to pick his son up at school. Well it is early release and that was at 11:30. I didn't know if he was at school, on the bus or wondering around looking for his dad. I had a class I had to cancel and a friend from work gave me a ride to his school to pick him up. I ended up getting a bond and now I am waiting for a call to go sweep him off his feet. I made a new year promise to myself well 2 promises 1. to keep a daily journal of my life and 2. if things didn't improve by January I was leaving him. Well I have keep a journal and I look back on it now and then to reflect and I have to cry at times. Not to feel sorry or pitty just that I have been through so much and yet I stay with a man who will never change because he don't love himself. So if he can not do this how do I expect him to love me? There have been times I just wanted to never wake up. The last 3 years have been the hardest years of my life. I look at this man and wonder how could I have let this person do this to me. Now he is over 6 feet and is 290 something and is a very big black man. He is bald and his features often scare people. I am 4'11" and weight 130. I am hispanic and more often get dirty looks for being with a black man. He scares everyone we meet till he charms them over. Some see past his venomous ways
At one time I did love this man. I pushed to marry him only to please him. Now I get sick really sick when 5 o'clock comes around. I am losing my hair and I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. No need if it does not grow. I have hair it just short weird huh I know well it must grow if you have hair yes I know that i just don't know. Well like I said before I am no longer a victim I am what I am. I plan on moving to Colorado and have applied online to several places.(Pray for me!) He knows I am moving and he is not very happy about it. I know "how are you leaving? He won't let you." My aunt is coming and I have open communication with her about that. It frightens him to know I will no longer be here with him. He has called other women and been out all night and I don't fight with him about it and if we do i give up and he hates it. He says I am a bitch because I won't fuck him and he has to get it else where when he has a bitch at home. I know I am not a bitch and MY legs will continue to stay closed I am scared at times I just don't let him know. My dreams are my escape. I pretty much work and come home sleep and start over. with Gods will I will on day be free. I may just be repeating my self and I am sorry just log off. Who ever wants to listen Thank You.

I haven't been on here in a long time. I am still with my so called boyfriend I haven't left him. My 16 tear old got his girlfriend pregnate. I am going crazy. I's like my mind is a strobe light flashing images and I can't keep up. I am yelling and NO ONE is around to hear me. I am no longer a victim because I allow him to abuse me. What more can I do. I have always lived my life to help others, no that i need to help myself I can not find the energy to do so. Any suggestions?

If you could have one more night with someone you lost what would you do?

I lost my grand mother and I would likr just one moment to let her know how much I miss and love he so. I would hold her in my arms and try to capture her smell forver. She was the only person who I know ever cared about me and loved me unconditionlly. What I would give to see her once again.

Hello I haven't written in a long time. alot has happened. I was last in Minnesota with my sister. He had found out about my blogs thats why I left him. he was furious at the fact that I wrote all about us in detail. I explained the best I could and after a what seemed forever I was fogiven and i left. I went to stay with my sister in Minn. I got word a week later that my step son was hurt and I came back. Well I am back with him. I know that I should know better and why I am back.It has been crazy. I have in rolled in school and am going to do forensics. I am an wreck. We went to counsling for what ever its worth. I know a lot of you are saying what a fucking dumb ass she was gone and went back. a few of you have rejected personal emails because I came back and I understand. I feel weak and embarresed at the thought that I couldnt be stronger and that I feel I need this man. I dont know if he will find these blogs but I know that I only have my self to blame and I wish I could be stronger and have not came back. feel like this is all I ma destin for. If anyone will talk to me please lend me an ear. I understand if noone wants to speak up again

I have had so much time to think about what has happened. I fear all I have are my thoughts. I miss him so much I feel empty inside. I look at the bed beside me and I feel so alone. I try to smile and I feel like I am falling apart. My sister has been great and all I want to do is go home. Is that crazy? What I wanted so bad, I got and I want to return. How insane is that? I look at all I have done and all he has done and where did I go wrong? Did I not love him enough? Did I not try harder? Did I give up to easy? I have so many questions that all I have are thoughts. I woke this morning detemined to smile and nit feel bad about it. I cry in silence every chance I get. At times so uncontrolably I don't even understand. I want to feel loved. I never had that. I would give anything to have someone love me 100%. Nothing but pure love. I have talked to my children and they still want to be with me and don't blame me. Why can't we love like children with no limit, no conditions, no worries, nothing but love. I have my streaght in them. Children can teach us alot. We can hurt them and send them through hell and they will still be there with open arms. I am bleesed to have such wonderful kids. I know they want to see me and I plan to do it soon, I just need some time with my thoughts. I want them to see me be ok. Thank you all for being here for me. I really need you all right now. Thank you.