I hate my life and what it has become. I hate fighting for what reason. It is like a freddy kruger movie where it keeps on replaying over and over. I get so mad and my ears burn like fire and there is a ringing in my head. all I want is for it to stop. He says I want people to feel sorry for me. I don't. Why do I gain for pitty. Like I said before I past being the victim. I look at him and I feel such hatred and I don't want to. I can picture myself with a knife just going in. He controls everything. I know I must leave how much more can I take?

I am totally bumbed What is my purpose here? I hate my life so much. He is nothing but a fucken liar. Why why why do I stay. I just want to sleep and never wake again. My head hurts and I give and give for what? Does God really care? I know I put myself in this situation. I try to do right and I never seem to get ahead. I have to hide money and my belongings just so I don't get them pawned or taken. I am fucken 33 years old I do not need this. Would I be better off dead? Would anyone notice or care? He told me once I would be doing everyone a favor if I would just kill myself because no one loved me. I think he is right.

Is there really someone out there for you? Does your soul mate really exist? I have only loved two men in my life and though the first one ended in divorce the second one is hell. I often think about how my life would have been if I had never agreed to have lunch with Kevin. I know when I first was in here writing he found my blogs. He picked me up and said how dare you. He looked at me as though those were the last breaths I would be taking. I was so scared I wet myself. He was driving so fast and in and out of traffic I wished then only a crash would save me. No such luck. I remember how he charmed me and I let my guard down and he was here to stay.
Friday night after he got out of jail.he was going through with drawls and I was up at 3 with him shaking and sweating. He woke with the shits and vomiting. I thought then he would stop. He love his needle more than anything. He wakes up and says time for my medicine. I look at him with disgust. I was telling a church member that I didn't know what it was to have an addiction and that people who have one just make excuses. I remember when I was younger I had an alcohol problem I drank to get drunk. The last time I was at my cousins home and we were playing card games. I drank two bottles of Alazie. By myself. My husband at the time picked me up and carried me to the car my kids watched me tumble down the stairs and into the car. I heard them crying " is mommy dying." I was so stupid. I never drank again. See I do not understand why others can not just quit. I don't see it as a addiction. Se said she is a recovering drug addict and it is a struggle every day. that the taste stays in your mouth and that years could pass and at times she will smell something taste something and she craves it. That the addiction is very strong and you have to be stronger.
She than said to be patient that what he does to me is not right, but his addiction is hard. She then told me you do have and addiction.I looked at her like ME? How dare you I thought. No I don't drink,smoke or do drugs. She said your drug is Kevin. You live for him. how many time did I see you look at your watch nervously because he wants you home right after church don't see past him. KEVIN wow she is right. I have to admit she was right. substances are not the only addictions out there. So I am still here struggling with mine. I can feel myself getting better. I have let go some things and I am working at it day by day.

Prince charming is out No thanks nothing. I really did not expect anything. When you are use to disappointment you do not get let down. I remember once he picked me up and said he had a surprise for me. We drove to a nice jewlery shop and I did not want to look but he insisted. Well naturally got all excited looking and trying them on (rings) then I picked out the one I wanted and he said thats nice maybe one day you will get it. I was so embarrassed. Now we wonders why I wont go anywhere with him I asked what just happened and he said he wanted to know what kind of ring I liked so when I start acting like a wife he would get me one. I think about that and remember the song by Garth Brooks "unanswered prayers." God knows what he is doing. Well went with a friend to lunch and then back to this hell hole. I am reading a book by Nicholas Sparks "the choice." I love his books. Anyone ever read any? Today I will watch the cowboys win. I will be no here off and on love to hear from you all.

My day started like any other day. I got up at 6:30 showered and walked to work. I got a call about 12:15 saying they arrested prince charming and I had to pick his son up at school. Well it is early release and that was at 11:30. I didn't know if he was at school, on the bus or wondering around looking for his dad. I had a class I had to cancel and a friend from work gave me a ride to his school to pick him up. I ended up getting a bond and now I am waiting for a call to go sweep him off his feet. I made a new year promise to myself well 2 promises 1. to keep a daily journal of my life and 2. if things didn't improve by January I was leaving him. Well I have keep a journal and I look back on it now and then to reflect and I have to cry at times. Not to feel sorry or pitty just that I have been through so much and yet I stay with a man who will never change because he don't love himself. So if he can not do this how do I expect him to love me? There have been times I just wanted to never wake up. The last 3 years have been the hardest years of my life. I look at this man and wonder how could I have let this person do this to me. Now he is over 6 feet and is 290 something and is a very big black man. He is bald and his features often scare people. I am 4'11" and weight 130. I am hispanic and more often get dirty looks for being with a black man. He scares everyone we meet till he charms them over. Some see past his venomous ways
At one time I did love this man. I pushed to marry him only to please him. Now I get sick really sick when 5 o'clock comes around. I am losing my hair and I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. No need if it does not grow. I have hair it just short weird huh I know well it must grow if you have hair yes I know that i just don't know. Well like I said before I am no longer a victim I am what I am. I plan on moving to Colorado and have applied online to several places.(Pray for me!) He knows I am moving and he is not very happy about it. I know "how are you leaving? He won't let you." My aunt is coming and I have open communication with her about that. It frightens him to know I will no longer be here with him. He has called other women and been out all night and I don't fight with him about it and if we do i give up and he hates it. He says I am a bitch because I won't fuck him and he has to get it else where when he has a bitch at home. I know I am not a bitch and MY legs will continue to stay closed I am scared at times I just don't let him know. My dreams are my escape. I pretty much work and come home sleep and start over. with Gods will I will on day be free. I may just be repeating my self and I am sorry just log off. Who ever wants to listen Thank You.